Friday, February 22, 2008

Life Goes On...

I am not a very public person and I really don't like to share personal experiences. But.. here it goes. My thought is maybe that my thoughts will be of help to someone else one day. We hadn't planned on telling anyone that I was pregnant until the end of February, but because we needed to tell our parents for certain reasons and before they could tell all of our friends... we needed to say something. (We wanted to be the ones to share the news.) I had my first doctors appointment on Tuesday and the bad news came back that the baby didn't have a heart beat and there wasn't any blood flow. Shock pretty much took over. My doctor told me that the baby was big enough that I wouldn't be able to miscarry on my own and so I needed to have a D & C surgery. I had the surgery yesterday and everything went really well. I am feeling good, just a little sore. I guess I am not sure exactly how I am supposed to be feeling. There are so many emotions. Getting pregnant in the first place was a total shock and to be honest I wasn't sick at all that at times I wondered if I really was pregnant. I have to wonder if it was Heavenly Fathers way of preparing me. I can honestly say that I just feel so lucky and blessed to be a mom already and to have my sweet baby Zenock. I know so many people that haven't been able to have children, that I would feel extremely guilty for even questioning my Heavenly Father as to why this would happen. I don't even have that thought. I am lucky to be a mom and to have a baby. That is how I felt for the most part the last few days... but then yesterday a new thought came to me. One that I was totally unprepared for. That is that I have so much love for Zenock and that every child deserves to be loved like he is. I want to be able to give that love and share it with more children. I am so excited to have more children and to continue to be a mom and to raise Zenock. It is the only job I have ever wanted. Everyday is so much fun and I learn so much from him. I can't express my gratitude for my Heavenly Father and all that he has blessed me with. I can't question him for things that happen, because I know it is all part of the plan he has for me and with out these trials in our lives, how can we grow? It has only been three days since I found out, but already I feel like I have grown closer to my little family through all of it. I have the sweetest husband and the best little boy in the world. I have been so spoiled and feel blessed to have the friends and family that I do (near and far). I have had so many phone calls and visits from people who care. (Thank You! It means so much!) So, as for things.... Life Goes On... I'll never forget my experience and I know my Heavenly Father will make it up to me in his own way and his own time. He is aware of me and how I feel. I can't really say much more than that. I really do appreciate all the concerns, prayers, and everything that you have done. It means a lot to our family.
In the meantime... just a couple of stories to make the day brighter.... I have the funniest boy ever. We love him so much! We were at our friends house on Sunday eating the best Cambodian (did I spell that right?) dinner ever! (Thanks Maria!) We were eating dessert and Zenock kept trying to pull my plate down. I kept moving it higher trying to continue my conversation. He finally pulled it down low enough and scraped the whole top of the chocolate peanut butter bar off with his fingers and stuffed them in his mouth, and started to laugh and smile. It all happened so fast that I couldn't stop laughing. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. He knew exactly what he was trying to do. His next thing that he has been doing lately is not sleeping. I have always rocked him to sleep, but lately it has been getting more difficult to do so. He knows that if he won't go to sleep we will just put him in his crib. So as we walk into his room to put him down he puts his arms around our necks and puts his head on our shoulder and squeezes... that is uaually all it takes and I will give in and take him back out and rock him. I wonder how long until he realizes just how much he has got us wrapped around his little finger.

6 comments:

Erin said...

Carin. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You amaze me at how stong of a women you are. I truly look up to you! Your little Zennock is soo soo lucky to have you as his mommy so make sure to give him lots of hugs and kisses during this hard time. Heavenly Father knows you and is watching over you and your cute family at this time I AM SURE! Hope you stay feeling well. Let me know if you need anything!!

Russ & Annie said...

You are so amazing and have such a positive outlook on thngs! No doubt you are a wonderful mommy - I sure that you have Zennock wrapped around your finger just as much as you are wrapped around his! Thanks for sharing this story, it defintely helped me with my attitude about things that are so trivial. I hope you are feeling okay and that Texas is still treating you well!

Brittney said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I haven't had to experience that, but have had many friends who have. I am glad you are looking at it with a good outlook. And hopefully are children will never realize just how much they really can control us : )

Heidi: crazy woman! said...

Carin~ I am so sorry for your loss, and if there is anything I can do, please let me know. I had a m/c back in 2000, and it was hard for me. I know you've had plenty of support. I had none. You are so lucky to have great friends here! :-) You are a great mom & person, and I admire you so much!

Robert & Tatiana said...

Carin,
We're so sorry to hear about your loss. You are a strong woman, and I agree, such a great example, in more ways than I think you realize. We love all three of you so much and are so blessed to have you in our life! I wish I could come and see you! None the less, we send our love!
Tatiana and Rob

mbarker said...

Michele Barker (Youngberg) here. I know exactly how you feel. I miscarried in December on Christmas Day. I also had to have a D&C. We hadn't told my parents or our friends that I was pregnant untill they started asking why I was having so many doctors appointments. I was sad too but felt the same about our Heavenly Father. I knew that it was either the wrong time for us or that the same little spirit would come to us in some other way if it was meant to be.